The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
