The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
