even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
