are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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