The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
