I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
