Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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