i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
there's paper in my vomit.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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