the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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