Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize