I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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