Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
