It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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