Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
