you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
