I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
