I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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