i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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