how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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