i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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