There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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