my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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