I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
