my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
