He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
