is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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