You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
