So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
