you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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