Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
