i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
