I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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