In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
