I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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