Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
