I wish I only lived at night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
