I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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