I just pynch a tree in the face
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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