you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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