The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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