At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize