saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
