note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
