Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
