why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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