Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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