Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
