I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
