The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i think i just lost a toe
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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