Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
