two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You need Xanax blowdarts
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
