We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
