I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize