who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Vodka?
Forever.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
