not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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