You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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