How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize