Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
