I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
